Solar Systems: You cannot be Sirius

Mercury spins closest to the sun,

light side burnt, dark side frozen.

Venus, goddess of love, lies

clouded in a mist of poison gas.

Earth’s green breathes oxygen and carbon,

each continent bathed by a blue ocean.

Mars, the red planet, lies dead,

arid desert, dry, cold and deserted.

Dust, debris, discarded sputniks,

asteroids, all together trace their orbits.

Jupiter, with a climate that is hardly hot,

nevertheless nurses a giant red spot.

Saturn, light enough to float, wears a ring

of gas and ice and spatial bling.

Uranus is another giant sphere

of chilling, lethal gas, or so we hear.

Neptune rides a misty darkened sea

with mermaids and sea nymphs for company.

Pluto, demoted now to a lump of ice,

guards still the gates that lead us to deep space.

Holst composed his Planets Suite,

so we can have our planet biscuit.

This galaxy is a cake bar

With a dark, molten, creamy core.

A mercurial message from the gods,

made to satisfy the goddess of love,

the colour of earth,

a reminder of Mars and a Milky Way,

eat too many and that belt will loosen,

by Jupiter a jovial stick of joy,

a saturnalian feast,

you’re in us, or in our stomachs now.

in tune with our desires, why not try a ton,

so far out, like Pluto.

If scientists are right in their theory,

the big bang created this Galaxy.

But so much word retrieval takes its toll.

Our poem has vanished in its own black hole.

Biscuit: McVitie’s Galaxy Cake Bars

Taste test: 8.1 out of 10
Cost: £1.30 from Asda in Totton

Slam Dunk

Inspired by Nigel Slater's recent programme about biscuits we decided to do our very own dunk test to see which biscuit performed best under stringent dunking conditions.

Competitor Biscuits: Bourbon, Chocolate finger, Shortie, Custard Cream (all from the Family Circle Selection Box)

Dunkers: Olly, Jegan, Brian, Shan, John

Dunking conditions: Hot tea, 2 second dunks

Ratings: Two scores out of 5 given by each dunker, one for firmness and one for taste satisfaction.

Our dunkers were: Olly, Jegan, Brian, Shan and John

Total Dunking Scores:
Bourbon - Firmness 15, Taste 17 - Total 32
Chocolate Finger - Firmness 20, Taste 20 - Total 40
Shortie - Firmness 15, Taste 15 - Total 30
Custard Cream - Firmness 16, Taste 19 - Total 35

1st - Chocolate Finger
2nd - Custard Cream
3rd - Bourbon
4th - Shortie

It appears the melting action of the hot tea upon the chocolate of the finger was definitely a winner!

Fun with sticks

We were stuck for a start,
then thought of a stick,
now we'll try to adhere
to this fantastick idea.
If you fancy Chow Mein
choose a chopstick,
if hockey's your game
hack with a hooked stick,
if your face needs a lift
liven up with lipstick,
if the car needs to shift
grab hold of the gear stick,
if guitar is your thing
go acoustic,
if you don't like the wing
try a drumstick,
while the river runs past
throw a Pooh stick,
if in the mud your stuck fast
John will save you with his stick,
time to chill out?
burn a joss stick,
you may be tempted to scream 'n shout
but don't be too bombastic,
bounce up and down at a rave
and hold on tight to your glow stick,
we've decided it's time to behave
all these sticks are making us sick!

PS Dedicated to our poet friend John and his stick

Biscuit: Hit Fun Sticks (great to hold and dip in tea or coffee)

Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Waitrose in Lymington

Memento Mori

This sombre biscuit verse,

for 2014, is our first.

Memento make this crunchy,

chewy, cranberry munchy.

A white chocolate snack.

That word ‘memento’ takes us back

to the people who have just passed away

and in this poem we lament their loss today.

Alan Whicker filed his last report.

By the grim reaper’s scythe he was caught.

The last trumpet sounded for Kenny Ball.

You’ve guessed.  He made his final curtain call.

Hercule Poirot would never flatter

those who had less grey matter.

But sadly now each little grey cell

is not working quite so well.

Eusebio, who could surely shoot,

has hung up his right boot.

David Coleman knows the final score.

Phil Everly will dream no more.

Ronnie Biggs thought he’d made a great escape,

but met Inspector Nipper at the pearly gate.

Maggie Thatcher took one last snatch,

then went to meet her maker and her match.

‘That was the life that was.’  And so we lost

that grand inquisitor, David Frost.

It’s such a shame that Lou Reed died.

At least, he took that walk on the wild side.

Nelson Mandela was much debated.

On Robben Island he was incarcerated,

but walked free to unite both black and white

and clear away the stain of apartheid.

And of the rest who rest, we hope, in peace

Richard Griffiths was fun but a touch obese.

In the ring Ken Norton was no one’s fool,

although Peter O’Toole has now grown cool.

Even without Miss Kendal for a wife

Richard Briars still lived the good life,

and Louis the TV chimpanzee

made PG Tips our favourite tea.

For Michael Winner that death wish came true,

as it will as well someday surely do

both for us and indeed for you.

THE END.

Ps.  Nice biscuits, with or without PG Tips.

Biscuit: Memento Cranberry and White Chocolate Cookie

Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 99p from Aldi in Romsey