Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Calculation Frustration

The name of these biscuits
is Orange Choco Leibniz.

This German mathematician
is the man that we need
to solve our economic position
with a theory that just might succeed.

He used minus and the plus
to create his calculus.

Now we need his formula for success
and his talent for addition
to get us out of this mess
and save us from division.

If we could put aside our differential
we just might realise our potential.

Biscuit: Orange Choco Leibniz
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: 74p (special offer) from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Everything and the Kitchen Sink

Is this the first ever
poem to celebrate the kitchen sink?
(Don't worry, it will be over
in a blink.)

If you're posh it's ceramic,
if not, it's stainless steel,
you'd struggle without it
when there are potatoes to peel.

Women used to be chained to them,
now they're the domain of men,
armed with aprons and Marigolds,
a huge performance unfolds!

Perfect for bathing the baby,
the bunny or the dog maybe,
Ideal to wash your pants
or if it's big the elephant's.

If it gets blocked you need to plunge,
to clear away the greasy gunge.
use it to stack the odd dirty dish,
but never as a home for a lonely fish.

It comes in very handy,
for an emergency wee,
don't forget to pull the curtains,
or the neighbours will see!

Biscuit: All butter kitchen sink dunkers
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £3 from M&S in Lymington

Tuesday, 30 August 2016


Plod, Plod, Flap, Swish
the proud elephant roams the jungle
scoffing bananas - his favourite dish
to placate the sound of his hunger rumble

Plod, Plod, Swish, Flap
the almighty beast cools his skin
showering dust upon his back
scouring the landscape for his kin

Plod, Swish, Plod, Flap
the lonely bull sleeps alone
longing for reunion during his nap
at daybreak, a triumph - his herd is home

Biscuit: Hawaiian Coconut Cookies
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Sri Lanka

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Reasons to be morbid

Why, now, are there so many atrocities?
like the murderous truck driver in Nice,
black Americans being killed by police,
it needs to cease - where's the peace?
There are too many deceased,
families are refusing to be appeased,
by the same tired governments ignoring their needs.
When they're not blaming everything on refugees,
their bringing the working class to its knees.
Time is running out on the planet's lease,
we're killing the bees, destroying the trees,
suffocating the world with corruption and sleaze.
Stop! We need a reprieve.

Biscuit: Amaretti Morbidi
Taste test: 7.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Italy

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Wish You Were Here?

Only mad dogs and English men
go out in the mid-day sun,
with hankies on their head
and tattoos on their bum.

Boiled pink lobsters
dominate the landscape,
with warm beer and rowdy cheer
I bet you wish
you were here.

Only two days to go
of the UK summer window,
perfect weather for Pokemon Go
time to fire up the BBQ
and flame grill a pikachu.

Biscuit: Chocolate Chip cookies
Taste test:  9.8 out of 10
Cost: From Lidl. 4 for £1. Thanks Anita!

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

No longer in the pink

We're no longer in the PINK
we're sitting on the brink
watching the UK sink
Politicians of every shade
are stepping aside
when we need them the most
they're all off to hide
Have they no pride?
For the BLUE team
Cameron's gone off in a huff
whilst the RED shadow cabinet
have disappeared in a puff
Farage's reached the end
of his PURPLE reign
Will he ever be seen again?
BLACK hearted Gove
stabbed Boris in the back
now he's moved on
to give the leadership a crack
The future is certainly not bright
our colourful world
is turning BLACK and WHITE
We need a RAINBOW or
a bright YELLOW sun
come on, sort it out
this just isn't fun!

Biscuit: Pink Panther Wafers
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: Gift from Lee

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Things that give us joy

The nation's in meltdown,
our collective mood is dark.
but will the future really be so stark?

We need optimism in a heavy dose
here's a joyous list to make you feel less morose.

Things that give us joy
Feeding elephants
Swimming in the sea
Reading a good book
A pink glittery scooter
Walks in the sunshine
The cinema
Smell of freshly cut grass
Proper summer
Baby animals
Raw carrots
Smell of coffee
Adrenalin endorphins

Biscuit: Tuscan Shortbread Crescents Dipped in Chocolate
Taste test:  9 out of 10
Cost: From Tuscany