Tuesday, 11 October 2016

#ThumpTrump (metaphorically, of course!)

We've got the hump -
Donald Trump,
the runt,
the grump,
the lumpy chump,
will lead the world
into an almighty slump.
Thankfully his campaign
has encountered a bump
no doubt he'll end up
in the municipal dump
with his roadkill hair
in a ridiculous clump
and rotten food cladding
his plump rump.
He's a joke.

*metaphorically of course

PS Have you noticed how many negative words rhyme with Trump?

Biscuit: Belvita Breakfast Tops
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £2.79 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

We're Rootin' and Tootin'

Howdy pardner!
Get awf your hoss
And take a bite of this rootin’, tootin’ chocolate bar.

It’s called a Canyon.
It’s chunky, it’s rugged.
Cacti stand proud in the Wild West landscape of its wrapper.

It promises cowboy adventure and all the glamour of the cowboy life.
But it’s a fiddle.
Cos it comes from Lidl. 
This poem was submitted by a guest writer. If you fancy writing your own biscuit poem then have a go and send it to us through our website: www.headway-southampton.org.uk

Biscuit: Canyon Bar
Taste test: 8.3 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Lidl - thanks Miles!

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

Teen Eskimo

It's snow joke being a teen eskimo
hungry polar bears snack on you
it's too cold to play Pokemon Go
so you razz around on a rusty skidoo

Whale blubber is fishy and fatty
you smooch with your schnozz
and your sealskin suit's not natty
just sayin' - soz

Winter daylight lasts only a minute
you hang in your igloo with huskies and narwhals
'cos you're an Inuit innit
face it, it ain't lots of LOLS

Biscuit: Eskimo
Taste test: 8.7 out of 10
Cost: 84p from Morrison's in New Milton

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Calculation Frustration

The name of these biscuits
is Orange Choco Leibniz.

This German mathematician
is the man that we need
to solve our economic position
with a theory that just might succeed.

He used minus and the plus
to create his calculus.

Now we need his formula for success
and his talent for addition
to get us out of this mess
and save us from division.

If we could put aside our differential
we just might realise our potential.

Biscuit: Orange Choco Leibniz
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: 74p (special offer) from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Everything and the Kitchen Sink

Is this the first ever
poem to celebrate the kitchen sink?
(Don't worry, it will be over
in a blink.)

If you're posh it's ceramic,
if not, it's stainless steel,
you'd struggle without it
when there are potatoes to peel.

Women used to be chained to them,
now they're the domain of men,
armed with aprons and Marigolds,
a huge performance unfolds!

Perfect for bathing the baby,
the bunny or the dog maybe,
Ideal to wash your pants
or if it's big the elephant's.

If it gets blocked you need to plunge,
to clear away the greasy gunge.
use it to stack the odd dirty dish,
but never as a home for a lonely fish.

It comes in very handy,
for an emergency wee,
don't forget to pull the curtains,
or the neighbours will see!

Biscuit: All butter kitchen sink dunkers
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £3 from M&S in Lymington

Tuesday, 30 August 2016


Plod, Plod, Flap, Swish
the proud elephant roams the jungle
scoffing bananas - his favourite dish
to placate the sound of his hunger rumble

Plod, Plod, Swish, Flap
the almighty beast cools his skin
showering dust upon his back
scouring the landscape for his kin

Plod, Swish, Plod, Flap
the lonely bull sleeps alone
longing for reunion during his nap
at daybreak, a triumph - his herd is home

Biscuit: Hawaiian Coconut Cookies
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Sri Lanka

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Reasons to be morbid

Why, now, are there so many atrocities?
like the murderous truck driver in Nice,
black Americans being killed by police,
it needs to cease - where's the peace?
There are too many deceased,
families are refusing to be appeased,
by the same tired governments ignoring their needs.
When they're not blaming everything on refugees,
their bringing the working class to its knees.
Time is running out on the planet's lease,
we're killing the bees, destroying the trees,
suffocating the world with corruption and sleaze.
Stop! We need a reprieve.

Biscuit: Amaretti Morbidi
Taste test: 7.5 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Italy