Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Goodbye to Gluttony

We're plump turkeys
and fattened geese,
over the past greedy weeks
we've overindulged in a festive feast

Can you do up your trouser button?
Have you too been a Christmas glutton?
If the amount you've eaten is quite obscene
then it's time you adopted a diet regime

Did you wake up today with a frown?
Then act now and put those mince pies down
Are you keen to be good?
Then mince past the remains of the Xmas pud

Throw your turkey leftovers in the bin
And get yourself down to your local gym
If you're quick
you'll get 3 month's free membership

Biscuit: Nairn's Super Seeded Organic Oatcakes
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: £1.39 Waitrose in Lymington

Thursday, 22 December 2016

Dreaming of a First French Noel

On the first day of Christmas
Our true loves sent to us:
One French quail,
Two garlic snails,
Three French Le Pens,
Four wretched roosters,
Five camemberts,
Six goose livers,
Seven cyclists touring,
Eight escargot stewing,
Nine dames dancing,
Ten frogs a prancing,
Eleven waiters sneering,
Twelve French kisses
Under the mistletoe
With a Michelin star
Or two or three
And a French patisserie
Based on the Bayeux Tapisserie.
A Bayeux Tapestry biscuit
That proved a striking hit,
Unlike this chauvinistic verse,
Which we think one of our worst.
One in the eye, though, Mrs May,
Pour vous et tous les Anglais.


Tuesday, 13 December 2016

A Very Headway Christmas

[Sung to the Tune of Happy Xmas (War is over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono]

And so this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Have you wrapped all your presents
And written cards to everyone?

A very Headway Christmas
To our supporters and friends
Let’s hope it’s a peaceful one
And all wars come to an end

And so this is Christmas
And what haven’t you done?
Have you ordered a turkey
That will fit your oven?

A very Headway Christmas
Full of sprouts and mistletoe
Charades in pyjamas
And with luck a spot of snow

Work is over
So is school
Time to party
And act the fool!

Biscuit: New Fox's Chocolatey (Dark Choc and Raspberry Mousse)
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

I can't believe my Mince Pies!

It's Christmas again
and we're raising money for Headway
we have a mince pie mountain
to eat our way through
and a vat of mulled wine to sup too.

We've donned our hats,
don't be a Scrooge
get out your wallets
and buy some food!

Headway's a great charity
and a good cause
so give generously
like Santa Claus.

Thank you to all those who made mince pies. We made a cool £120.

Friday, 2 December 2016

DSOH (Dry Sense of Humour)

Our inspiration's run dry
(not for the first time)
we're in the Sahara of ideas,
as arid as the Atacama,
as desolate as Death Valley,
as dusty as a dust bowl
home to the desert dry wit
of Sandi Toksvig,
the deadpan comic spirit
of Jack Dee,
but not to the far from dry,
sweat soaked Lee Evans.
This poem's so dry,
we don't need to hang it on the line,
spin it in the dryer,
lay it on the radiator,
or drape it on the aga -
suddenly our inspiration's on fire...

Biscuit: Chocolate Chip Cookies (very dry!)
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Denmark

Thursday, 24 November 2016

The biscuit that broke our hearts and our teeth

This morning we had a biscuit snack
That came out of a Swedish flat pack
And like most of the products of Ikea
How to open the wrap wasn’t clear.

Once inside all that we found
Was a Scandinavian scam
Kakor Hallon is nothing more than
A biscuit sandwich filled with jam.

This pastry usurper
This bakery imposter
This dicky dodger
This Scandi Scam
Is no more than a crumbling sham.

But the extent of the biscuit’s shortfall
Is matched by the quality of the famous meatball
P.S. We liked them really
The cream especially.

Biscuit: Kakor Hallon
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 80p from Ikea in Southampton 

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Funny, they shrunk the chocolate bars!

We suspect a chocolate conspiracy
first Toblerone and it's missing pyramids,
then the incredible shrinking wagon wheel,
there's some shifty business
companies are trying to conceal.

If this minimisation continues
chocolate bars will be extinct,
long before the polar ice caps melt
and our islands sink.

Who wants a world without penguins?
Nothing to P P P pick up,
full of diminished Rocky Bars
with humankind on its way to Mars.

Biscuit: Cadbury's Mini Fingers
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Tesco in Brockenhurst