Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Crumbs of Comfort for St Valentine's Day

If it’s passion that you feel,
Don’t try these biscuits for your romantic meal.

If you are swept away with emotion
Don’t choose these to munch on.

If you look for symbols of love
Our biscuits do not fit the category above.

All they do is cause you pain.
Better chocolates, roses and champagne.

If you aim your love to embrace
They won’t cause your heart to race.

Crusty, dusty, old, dry and musty,
Hardly exciting and not at all lusty.

They are not worth much money
So will surely not impress your honey.

Although these biscuits do not inspire delight
We hope you still enjoy a perfect night.

Biscuit: Nature Valley
Taste test: 4 out of 10
Cost: Giving them away at Lidl!

Tuesday, 7 February 2017

Nuts for Peanuts

We've all gone nuts for peanuts
we're not talking Charlie Brown,
Snoopy & Woodstock
but rather the legume that
could give you anaphylactic shock.

What's more if Rottweilers are chasing you,
give them peanut butter to chew,
it acts like superglue
and stops vicious dogs from biting you.

George Washington Carver
invented peanut shampoo
whilst before Jimmy Carter was president,
peanuts he grew.

Peanuts are delicious
they're also uber goober* nutritious,
astronauts eat them in space
and a Snickers bar means you'll win a race,
even a Marathon.

* another word for a peanut

Biscuit: Reese's Peanut Butter Rounds
Taste test: 9.9 out of 10
Cost: £1.50 Waitrose in Lymington

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Biscuit Rapper

Yo Yo Yo  - what's up biscuit homies?
Opening the wrapper is giving us the moanies
The packaging is a load of old pony
Finding the scissors is making us groany!

They are crumbly, crunchy and crispy too,
they went down well with the biscuit crew,
get down to our kitchen and grab yourself a brew,
and have yourself more biscuits from a packet of two.

So many flavours - it's hard to cope
but the taste of the biscuits is really dope
if we gave them to the Pope, he wouldn't say nope
it sounds like a joke but they filled us with hope.

And that's a wrap!

Biscuit: Irwin Mitchell Solicitors' Meeting Room Biscuits
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: Free - thanks Jack

Friday, 27 January 2017

Upside Down

This week we've been cast asunder,
we've gone to the land down under
the home of the aboriginials, kookaburras,
boomerangs, digereedos, spiders,
wallabies and kangaroos.
It's where Jason kissed Kylie
and everybody's smiley,
because the sun always shines
ripening the grapes that hang on the vines,
bronzing the skin of the 
Bondi Life savers
who prevent the sharks
from devouring the bathers.
Dingos, vegemite, Skippy, koalas,
if you're a Sheila or a Blue
throw a shrimp on the BBQ,
grab a tinny and head for the Outback
where Andy Murray's moping 
because he crashed out of the 
Australian Open.

Biscuit: Kooka's country cookies
Taste test: 9 out of 10

Cost: A gift from Australia - thanks Vicky

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Goodbye to Gluttony

We're plump turkeys
and fattened geese,
over the past greedy weeks
we've overindulged in a festive feast

Can you do up your trouser button?
Have you too been a Christmas glutton?
If the amount you've eaten is quite obscene
then it's time you adopted a diet regime

Did you wake up today with a frown?
Then act now and put those mince pies down
Are you keen to be good?
Then mince past the remains of the Xmas pud

Throw your turkey leftovers in the bin
And get yourself down to your local gym
If you're quick
you'll get 3 month's free membership

Biscuit: Nairn's Super Seeded Organic Oatcakes
Taste test: 6 out of 10
Cost: £1.39 Waitrose in Lymington

Thursday, 22 December 2016

Dreaming of a First French Noel

On the first day of Christmas
Our true loves sent to us:
One French quail,
Two garlic snails,
Three French Le Pens,
Four wretched roosters,
Five camemberts,
Six goose livers,
Seven cyclists touring,
Eight escargot stewing,
Nine dames dancing,
Ten frogs a prancing,
Eleven waiters sneering,
Twelve French kisses
Under the mistletoe
With a Michelin star
Or two or three
And a French patisserie
Based on the Bayeux Tapisserie.
A Bayeux Tapestry biscuit
That proved a striking hit,
Unlike this chauvinistic verse,
Which we think one of our worst.
One in the eye, though, Mrs May,
Pour vous et tous les Anglais.


Tuesday, 13 December 2016

A Very Headway Christmas

[Sung to the Tune of Happy Xmas (War is over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono]

And so this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Have you wrapped all your presents
And written cards to everyone?

A very Headway Christmas
To our supporters and friends
Let’s hope it’s a peaceful one
And all wars come to an end

And so this is Christmas
And what haven’t you done?
Have you ordered a turkey
That will fit your oven?

A very Headway Christmas
Full of sprouts and mistletoe
Charades in pyjamas
And with luck a spot of snow

Work is over
So is school
Time to party
And act the fool!

Biscuit: New Fox's Chocolatey (Dark Choc and Raspberry Mousse)
Taste test: 7 out of 10
Cost: £1 from Waitrose in Lymington