Thursday, 5 March 2015

School Days School Dinners


School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners.
Do you remember back in the day
when the lunch bell used to ring
oh the moans it signalled in
did spotted dick make you sick
or frog spawn tapioca choke ya?

Oliver was always asked if he wanted more
but declined cos it made his tummy sore
The pink custard so thick and gloopy
the smell of it would drive you loopy
semolina like wallpaper paste
would clear the dinner hall post-haste.

The watery cabbage, overcooked meat 
and lumpy gravy
wasn't very appealing to you or me
spam fritters
a.k.a. specially processed American meat
would cause even the hardiest eaters
to beat a retreat.

School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners
so many sinners
and they all had to wait
in rotation
to get the slop on their plate!

Biscuit: Mcvities Strawberry Cheesecake (smell like school puddings!)
Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: 2 for £2 at Sainsbury's in Christchurch



Monday, 23 February 2015

Setting Sail





The Mary Rose
Henry VIII who had a few wives,
stood on shore to watch this naval lady sink.
Taking with her almost two hundred lives,
his magnificent flagship drowned in the drink.

The Golden Hind
Francis Drake calmly completed his game,
Before dealing with Philip of Spain.
The Iberian fleet assumed they were harder,
but he proved them wrong and sank their Armada.

The Mayflower
She set sail from Southampton,
with her crew of Puritan pilgrims.
To find a new land by what is now Boston,
where they could sing their bleak hymns.

The Endeavour
Captain Cook believed he was clever,
when he sailed from Whitby in the Endeavour.
He thought he'd discover Australia,
but the Dutch were there first and his voyage a failure.

The Bounty
Captain Bligh cruelly tormented his crew,
so much so that a mutiny started to brew.
Mate and men cast him away in an open boat,
and left him at sea to sink or to float.

The Victory
At Cape Trafalgar, with one good eye
and just one arm, Nelson scored a singular victory.
As he lay on the deck preparing to die,
he spoke his famous last words: 'Hardy, kiss me.'

From these biscuits with their chocolate cloak
to such famous ships of the past
might seem an impossible distant joke,
but each one carries an imprint of sails and mast.

Biscuit: Sondey Milk Chocolate Butter Biscuits
Taste test: 9.7 out of 10
Cost: 43p from Lidl in Totton (2 packets were rapidly scoffed)

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Chips Ahoy

Avast, me hearties
we've come over all piratical,
Why didn't the pirate have aspirins?
Because his parrot ate 'em all.

Long John Silver, Blackbeard,
Black Dog and Blind Pugh,
all tyrannical pirates
instilling fear in their crew.

They man the main mast
to see plunder from afar.
Why are pirates frightening?
Because they ARRRRRRRR!

Shiver me timbers,
pieces of eight,
time to walk the plank
me ole shipmate.

Why does it take pirates
so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend too long at 'C'
no doubt succumbing to the horror
of life with scurvy.

Biscuit: Chips Ahoy Candy Blasts
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: £1.49 from Waitrose in Lymington





Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Goodbye Pandering



We're becoming a nation of panderers
constantly pandering to people's whims
pandering politicians trying desperately to win votes
spewing forth smarmy soundbites and quotes

The avoidance of risk has become a national obsession
in every sector we pander to the health and safety inspector
it's a characteristic we all need to address
from the police to the schools to the NHS

Let's stop cosying up to foreign energy suppliers
flocking to the funeral of a Saudi king
dazzled by oil,super yachts and bling
stop such pandering
stand up for what is right
whilst remembering not everything is black and white (even pandas)

Biscuit: Hello Panda
Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: they should have paid us!

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Scentimental





I love the smell of oranges in the morning
it's very appealing and sends my senses reeling

Jegan prefers the smell of sherry in the evening
it gets him merry and sends him reeling

Lee likes the smell of an open window at dusk
it's a raw resuscitation to his next inhalation

Karl remembers the smell of dying embers
from the fire that burned all through the night

Mandy is driven crazy by the smell of Jalfrezi
her sinuses are stricken by the spices and chicken

Brian's memories are triggered
by the reek of spent gunpowder
Oh deer he missed

Ollie has a tear in  his eye
when he sniffs the spice of his stir-fry
the ginger, garlic and chilli
make him all excited and silly

Lee B enjoys the scent of cinnamon
baked into his Mum's apple pie
you may ask why
because it's bloody lovely!

Biscuit: Loacker Wafers (they smell lovely!)
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: 99p in Holland and Barrett, Lymington



Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Right to be Rude




These biscuits made us
question what is meant by rude
Distasteful, inappropriate, disgusting,
obscene or just plain crude.

Are you glad that page 3
is now bikini clad,
or is it just for your Dad?
Do you lament the decline
of manners,
does it make you want to march
with softly spoken banners?
Do you reminisce
about the yesterdays of Sir and Miss?
Cringe at those who blaspheme,
when their kids shout and scream?
Laugh at racist jokes,
or sympathise with those whom fun pokes?

Should everyone be free to offend,
are you accepting of this current trend?
Our democracy's based on the
principle of free speech.
So who the hell are we to preach?

Biscuit: Rude Health Spelt Oaty
Taste test: 6.5 out of 10 (but are they really biscuits?)
Cost: £2.10 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

#je suis charlie

charlie was in trouble
extremists burst their bubble
they came under fire
for creating offensive satire
terror tried to silence their illustrative fun
but the pen was mightier than the gun

the liberty terrorists attempted to sever
in reality drew everyone together
millions poured on to the streets
showing solidarity by stamping their feet

the people stood firm in their stance
to uphold the values of france
liberté, égalité, fraternité is what they say
and so charlie hebdo will again be printed today

Biscuit: Aero Biscuits
Taste test: 9.5 out of 10 (but are they really biscuits?)
Cost: £1.69 from Tesco in New Milton