Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Rice Cake Thins, Really?




Imagine our delight when we discovered there was already a poem written on the packaging of these rice cake thins - our work was already done, we could relax... 
Disappointingly their poem is rubbish. Scroll down to see our one liner response, devoid of marketing puffery.

Kallo's poem

There once was a caramel cannon,
It was oh such a magical sight.
It sent chocolate and caramel pieces,
Into wonderful sweet sticky flight.

The circus performers all loved it,
Especially the caramel clown.
He loved eating chocolate and caramel,
And whatever goes up must come down.

The Biscuit Poets' response

We are not admiring
 the texture of chocolate and polystyrene.

Biscuit: Kallo Belgian Milk Chocolate with Caramel Pieces Rice Cake Thins
Taste test: 1 out of 10 (Not, as they describe, 'Wizardy-Wee to have with your tea')
Cost: £1.69 from Ocado

Thursday, 2 April 2015

In the Groove


People stayin' alive
in their kipper ties
workin' nine to five
psychedelic disco lights flashing
glam guitars thrashing

GROOVY BABY

Bell bottoms you would wear
if you had funk and flair
diggin' the far out vibe
yet still doin' the nine to five

GROOVY BABY

Flares swaying, dudes hangin'
smooth movin', platform walkin'
Huggy Bear talkin' jive
still feelin' the nine to five

GROOVY BABY

Biscuit: Groovy Biscuits
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 89p in Aldi in Romsey

Friday, 27 March 2015

Electoral Spin




Shhhhhhhhh
there's a rumour going round
that Cameron's stepping down
not immediately you see
but after a second term
when we may get May
if she wins the fight
or Osbourne might
or enter Boris
 on his bike

Are we to believe him
or is it just electoral spin
after all the Lady who was not for turning
did a U-turn
will David also break his promise
and slither toadily
 a third time
back into office

Perhaps it's a case of
trouble & strife
from SamCam his wife
twisting the knife
into his political life
so they no longer have to rush
- more time to play Candy Crush


Biscuit: Cadbury Wisp
Taste test: 9.5 out of 10
Cost: 98p in Asda in Southampton (thanks Olly)

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

What's in a nick name?


Timbo, Nutty, Gibbo and Spud
childhood nicknames - not one a dud,
Monikers fashioned from family names
often cruel and designed to shame.

Rhino, Caterpillar, Irongut and Bee
terms of endearment we're sure you'll agree,
Whereas Bogie Nose, Coconut and Wally
coined to poke fun, particularly at Olly.

Names that transport us back to the playground
where thoughts were simple and silly not deep and profound,
Crisp, Jester, Octopus and Mess
some still raise a smile, we have to confess.

Biscuit: Tunnock's Caramel Log
Taste test: 9.999 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Waitrose in Lymington

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

What do you think about pink?



Is pink a feminine colour?
It depends on your point of view.
Are men afraid of pink?
Do girls stay away from blue?

Boys should be proud to wear pink
it's no longer the stereotype that you think.
Gone are the days of rose tinted prescription
specs from the NHS,
worn by a girl in gingham
playing hopscotch in her dress.

Pink's a colour of change and optimism
a symbol for hope not a badge of sexism,
you can wear it with pride
as you march through the street,
and in the Race for Life
when you pound your feet.

Whether you're in the pink,
tickled pink, or pretty in pink
it doesn't matter what others think
you'll be coming up roses
be powerful in pink
and strike dynamic poses.

Biscuit: Tesco Finest All Butter Rose Biscuits For Tea
Taste test: 8.5 out of 10
Cost: £1.99 at Tesco in New Milton




Thursday, 5 March 2015

School Days School Dinners


School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners.
Do you remember back in the day
when the lunch bell used to ring
oh the moans it signalled in
did spotted dick make you sick
or frog spawn tapioca choke ya?

Oliver was always asked if he wanted more
but declined cos it made his tummy sore
The pink custard so thick and gloopy
the smell of it would drive you loopy
semolina like wallpaper paste
would clear the dinner hall post-haste.

The watery cabbage, overcooked meat 
and lumpy gravy
wasn't very appealing to you or me
spam fritters
a.k.a. specially processed American meat
would cause even the hardiest eaters
to beat a retreat.

School days, school dinners
punishing children as if they were sinners
so many sinners
and they all had to wait
in rotation
to get the slop on their plate!

Biscuit: Mcvities Strawberry Cheesecake (smell like school puddings!)
Taste test: 3 out of 10
Cost: 2 for £2 at Sainsbury's in Christchurch



Monday, 23 February 2015

Setting Sail





The Mary Rose
Henry VIII who had a few wives,
stood on shore to watch this naval lady sink.
Taking with her almost two hundred lives,
his magnificent flagship drowned in the drink.

The Golden Hind
Francis Drake calmly completed his game,
Before dealing with Philip of Spain.
The Iberian fleet assumed they were harder,
but he proved them wrong and sank their Armada.

The Mayflower
She set sail from Southampton,
with her crew of Puritan pilgrims.
To find a new land by what is now Boston,
where they could sing their bleak hymns.

The Endeavour
Captain Cook believed he was clever,
when he sailed from Whitby in the Endeavour.
He thought he'd discover Australia,
but the Dutch were there first and his voyage a failure.

The Bounty
Captain Bligh cruelly tormented his crew,
so much so that a mutiny started to brew.
Mate and men cast him away in an open boat,
and left him at sea to sink or to float.

The Victory
At Cape Trafalgar, with one good eye
and just one arm, Nelson scored a singular victory.
As he lay on the deck preparing to die,
he spoke his famous last words: 'Hardy, kiss me.'

From these biscuits with their chocolate cloak
to such famous ships of the past
might seem an impossible distant joke,
but each one carries an imprint of sails and mast.

Biscuit: Sondey Milk Chocolate Butter Biscuits
Taste test: 9.7 out of 10
Cost: 43p from Lidl in Totton (2 packets were rapidly scoffed)