Thursday, 21 April 2016

21 Spoonfuls of Sugar

We're the fattest nation in Europe
and that's a fact,
It isn't surprising, as we're not exercising
so our over consumption is having an impact.
Kids are putting on weight to the max,
now the Treasury have announced a sugar tax.

Brands like Dolmio are being forced to speak,
recommending their sugar loaded products for only once a week.
Yet 21 spoonfuls of sugar in a bottle of coke,
is nothing more than a twisted joke.
Our collective health is in really bad shape,
are we going to fight it or just accept our fate?

The solution is simple,
Stop when you're full,
and eat real food, shun processed, don't risk it,
if you fancy a treat try baking a biscuit
otherwise the effects will be quite cataclysmic.

PS What to you call a fat alien? An extra cholesterol.

Biscuit: Almond Thins
Taste test:  9.7 out of 10
Cost: Waitrose in Lymington, over a £1

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Reminisce with Schoko-Spritz

Once we used to eat at the Ritz
But now we lunch on Schoko-Spritz
And not because they’re cheaper,
Rather that the flavour’s so much deeper.
They recall for us the tastes of youth,
Melting and intense on the tooth.

For Terry it’s the chocolate teacake
That makes his hard heart ache.
Simon loved Liquorice Allsorts
And still can’t keep them from his thoughts.
Despite the coffin shape of the box
He liked them more than any chocs.

Crunchy, finger wafers were Lee’s choice,
As for Lady Penelope, a sweet, pink Rolls Royce.
Powdered raspberry milkshake,
Garibaldi biscuits, Cadbury’s Flake,
Huge blocks of sugary honeycomb
Were the delights that Martin brought home.

As for Peter, he would not like to lose
Candy shrimps, broken crisps and fruit salad chews.
For Jamie, it’s sherbet in rice paper furled,
Flying saucers that taste out of this world.
Nonetheless, the shortcakes that we ate today
Do compare with the flavours of yesterday.

So if you want a biscuit that sits
Well on the palate, try these Schoko-Spritz.

Biscuit: SchokopSpritz
Taste test:  9.5 out of 10
Cost: Gift. German made. Bought in Belgium.

Thursday, 7 April 2016

A Milk Chocolate Cover-up

In Panama they make nice hats
And also never pay their tax.
In Iceland people are protesting
About their prime minister’s investing.
In China it is wise to keep your mouth shut
Or the party will just lock you up.
In Russia Putin is caught in the middle
With a cellist who’s been on the fiddle.
In Britain we just quietly despair
Because Cameron’s father hid his money there.
If it wasn’t for this fondness for the dodgy deal
We need not say ‘Tata’ to British steel.
So now we know. Launder your money before you die,
Because you can’t evade the tax haven in the sky.

Biscuit: Tower Gate Oaties
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost: 49p from Lidl in Totton,

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Jammie Dodger Debarcle

Up until recently dodgers
have been dairy free.
Vegans have walked a-whey,
their using a petition to have their say.
Burton's claim the changes 
are out of necessity
to make them more sugar free
to fight obesity.

For half a century 
it's been the same recipe,
to alter it now is surely a travesty?
A sumptuous feast of jam and shortbread
that elicits deep joy from toes to the head.

It's a corporate decision to increase profit'
but vegans don't care 
they just want to scoff it.
Their rallying cry, to cause an affray
is 'C'mon Burton's, Get Out The Whey!'

Biscuit: Burton's Jammie Dodgers
Taste test:  9 out of 10 (at the moment!)
Cost: Gift from a fan of the old recipe

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Miss You We Will

Sadly we are having to say 'See Ya',
To our very own Princess Leah.
As a rehab officer she is a charmer,
her name (but not for long) is Anita Sharma.
Hiren Skywalker, ever since she met ya,
she was destined to become Mrs Dhanecha.
May the force be with you both,
when you become betroth,
and set up home in Kent,
(a distant galaxy far far away)
together forever as it was meant.
Miss you we will!

Biscuit: Fox's Star Wars Galactic Snacks
Taste test:  6 out of 10
Cost: £1.00 from Waitrose in Lymington

Friday, 26 February 2016

Algorithm Poems

Algorithms to programme a computer to write a poem.

1.      Two vowels only, four lines i and e

I hide inside my mind
In icy December time
In my life I pine
I live in my secret lie.

2.      Three to five letter words, four lines

When the ship will sail
The storm will rise
And the wind will wail
And yet our love still lies

3.      Rhyme on the first word, three lines

Trains glide in and out of the station
Lanes of passengers reluctantly trudge towards the gates
Pains of Monday morning intensify as the city swallows them.

4.      Olly breaks the rules

I compute and hence
I am but don’t make sense
I only process logic
Which is tragic
My poems are dull and numb
They have lost their magic

Biscuit: Neo
Taste test:  8 out of 10
Cost:£1.19 from Lidl in Totton

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Fantastic Fingers

Fingers are very useful things,
without them where would we put our rings?

Two thumbs and eight fingers each,
allows us all to peel a peach.
without them we'd struggle to eat,
or put the shoes upon our feet.

Two thumb and eight fingers a piece,
allows us all to signal peace.
Without them we'd be digit less,
digital devices rendered useless.

Fingers are not just extras,
they point and poke and make us dexterous.

Biscuit: Arden & Amici Sponge Fingers
Taste test:  9 out of 10
Cost:£1.39 from Waitrose