Friday, 18 May 2018

Royal Mint Wedding

It’s less than a week to go,
Before the Windsor wedding show,
Coins will be struck at the Royal Mint
But a gold proof coin would make anyone skint!

Thomas, the bride’s estranged father
Is in a bit of a palava
He’s deciding whether he’s attending
His RSVP is still pending
Maybe he is camera shy
Or just not a family guy
Or rather than be there to give her up
He’s spending the day at the footy World Cup!

Who will lead her down the aisle,
A royal or one of us rank and file?
Who will it be who has the honour
Of escorting the Royal’s first lady of colour?
In the absence of her brother
Maybe it will be her mother,
If she’s really stuck then Prince Charles can,
As long as he’s not a Chelsea or a Man U fan!
Ed Sheeran might play the bridal tune,
Though he looks far too much like the groom!

Our biscuits, like the Royals, have a posh hint
They have a delicate taste of mint,
With a thick chocolate layer, perhaps not so healthy
And only 6 to a packet – you’ll have to be wealthy!

Biscuits: Choco Moments Mint
Tasting Notes: Delicious, but only 6 in a pack - rip off!
Score: 9 out of 10

Monday, 14 May 2018

First Memories

Memories are layered in an order
we can't be sure of.
First memories are wispy like dreams,
fleeting and elusive,
nothing is quite what it seems.

The agony of snow in your wellies
at the age of four,
a hospital visit from a thumb
trapped in a door,
pushed in a pram by an elder sister,
jostling and laughing
whilst playing Twister,
a toy sweet shop full of delight,
performing on the potty
with all your might!

These are our first memories
we revisit time and time again,
frozen in our minds
until the bitter end.

Biscuits: Layered Wafers from Majorca
Tasting Notes: Lots of layers, quite dry
Score: 6/10

Tuesday, 1 May 2018

May We?

Mother may we?
Yes you may
Hip hip hooray
Today is May Day
Pinch Punch first day of the month
A nip and a kick for being so quick
A poke in the eye for being so sly
A slap round the face - you're a disgrace!
The darling buds of May are running late
they better bloomin' hurry or they'll miss their due date
Yet Youngsters are still prancing around the Maypole
Their joy and colour lifts the soul,
Soon Theresa May's Tories will face their own poll
Will they or won't they find themselves on the dole?!

Biscuits: Mcvities Dark Chocolate Digestives
Tasting Notes: Delish with a capital D
Score: 9/10

Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Flat as a Cracker

We feel flat,
flat as a Jacob's cracker
flat, dry and uninspired.

Why couldn't we have a choccie biscuit?
Terry enquired.

A covering of cheddar
would definitely make it better.

A juicy grape
would prevent us from going ape.

Creamy butter
would send our hearts a flutter.

Liver pate
would stop us from throwing them away.

With the addition of pickle
We'd cease being fickle.

It seems Jacob's need something on top
without they're a cracker flop!

Biscuits: Jacob's Crackers
Tasting Notes: Very dry, improved with a topping!
Score: 7/10

Monday, 16 April 2018


If you're a fan of Cream or The Jam,
Or if you like cheesier music like Wham!,
We're having a Headway jam-in session
A sort-of musical delicatessen

If you feel like you need your five a day,
Bananarama you could play.
Squeeze some Orange Juice, save the Pulp,
Or of Buck's Fizz you could have a gulp!

If Spice Girls aren't your cup of tea,
You might prefer Hot Chocolate musically.
If it's not Sweet enough, add some Sugababes,
And toast some Bread with some Marmalade.

If you need your vitamin Bs and Cs,
Mix some Red Hot Chili Peppers with some Black Eyed Peas,
But if you find it too hot and there's too much spice,
Cool yourself down with Vanilla Ice.

Whatever is your music taste,
Pop music, Bubblegum, or Drum 'n' Baste,
There's always something that you could savour,
Relax and enjoy the rhythmic flavour.
(Or a semi-Quaver!)

Biscuits: Tower Gate Jam and Cream Biscuits
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: 45p from Lidl

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

What came first the biscuit or the poem?

Four minutes for soft
ten minutes for hard
surrounded by soldiers
to dip and to guard

Boiled, scrambled,
poached with Hollandaise
fried with ham
there are so many ways

They're perfect for painting
some grandmothers suck them
tread carefully on their shells
eating chocolate ones at Easter - no problem

They are buried by turtles in the sand
hens lay them out the back 'a their cloaca
Emperor penguins balance them on their feet
this eggscellent poem is a real cracker!

Biscuits: Amandel Speculaas
Taste test: 8 out of 10
Cost: A gift from Holland - thanks Ruud

Thursday, 29 March 2018

Memorable Moments

Biscuit memories are made of this:
Moments of laughter and absolute bliss
We remember performing at many events
in churches, an office, parks, even tents.

We devised poetry beneath the trees
with poet Mark Rutter,
it made birds spread their wings
and butterflies flutter.

With Johnny Fluffypunk
we had many a poetic laugh
mainly aimed at his
eccentric moustache!

We wrote sonnets like Shakespeare
with Matthew West
and performed them with gusto
at Brian's behest.

For seven years now
we've put pencil to paper
our intelligent verse is rarely terse
and each Tuesday is a rollicking caper.

Biscuits: Ikea Kafferep (is memorable moments with laughter and biscuits)
Taste test: 9 out of 10
Cost: Cheap and cheerful from Ikea